Friday, September 30, 2016

Missing Out

Did my nightmare look like this? No such luck. I dreamt about a lost laptop and messy school storage.

It’s almost 2 pm and I’m just starting my day. I don’t know what happened to the morning. I woke up at seven when my husband’s alarm went off,  got up to feed the pets, closed my eyes again for a couple of minutes, and it was 1:30.

I missed a bridal shower last weekend. I miss most things I'm invited to. I probably didn't attend a shower thrown for or by you. Chronic pain is always either my excuse, my reason, or both. (If we've never met, that's a pretty good excuse too.)

  I am definitely not a party animal . As an introvert with more than a touch of anxiety, I like to say that I've never seen a party I wouldn't rather miss.

 I tend to choose seats by myself and stay at the edge of things, then feel conspicuous for doing so.

Here I am lurking. (I'm still upset that my patronus is a hyena.)
I also worry about being stuck with a group of women talking about facials or pedicures and being completely unable to relate. (Nothing wrong with either thing. I'm just cheap and have issues with people touching me. But if they legalize pedicures by hungry fish in my area, I will totally have to try that.) 

Maybe I should get a tank of these.

When I do get into a conversation, it seems like  I talk too much and say things I shouldn't. 
Over-sharing in October

 Rheumatoid arthritis gives me an easy out. Everybody knows I don't feel well. 

But I do like people. You are funny and interesting and have valuable ideas. So sometimes   I push myself out the door on an adventure. When I feel brave enough and hurt less than usual. Just not most of the time. I am stingy with my limited energy. It's easier to drop a  (hand knit) gift on your porch. 

 I really feel bad about missing that shower because it's for close family.  My soon to be sister-in-law. So I want to make her feel welcome, show support, get to know her better. 

Also, I had planned to ride with my mother-in-law and my husband’s sister. It's an hour long drive each direction and I could use some girl time .

 I tried for three hours the night before to make myself get up and wrap the present but never got past mentally picking out wrapping paper. (I chose the only roll that isn't technically For Christmas.) 

Yummy. And they say binge watching isn't healthy.
After a strenuous day of using Google Images to find blog pictures while binging on  season 5 of Longmire, my body was finished. I there was no way I'd be getting in a car at 9:30 the next morning. I called Mom with my apology. I miss half of the Sunday dinners she invites me to. She understood and said something kind about me needing to take care of myself first.
You're welcome. This is what I'm watching right now. Don't you wish you had nothing better to do?

Sadly, as my body rests my spirit withers. sometimes it hurts to miss out. All week I’ve felt like I was moving underwater. At times like this, I think it would be all too easy to disappear. 

Two things prevent this. The most obvious is family. Even when I stay in bed most of the time, I am responsible for hunting and gathering. So if I was somehow replaced by a convincingly body-shaped pile of pillows in my bed, when we ran short of soda, someone would realize it wasn't me.

My church also keeps track of me. Mormons are assigned friends. Some people are bothered by this concept, but in my insecurity, I have often feared that people are mostly nice to me out of Christian charity, so I appreciate the honesty of it. 

The program is called Visiting Teaching. two nice ladies visit me monthly to see how I’m doing and share a spiritual message. I also meet up with a partner and visit two other ladies. That means, through no real effort of my own, I have five friends—a support network.



Knitting went better than anything else this week. I finished the Christmas present. I also finished the green scarf of knitted lace mesh.

I had created that as a practice for knitting my hombre yarn into a square shawl. The shawl is finished, kind of. It still needs to be blocked, which will add a few inches, but I’m still not sure it works. 

I’ve started an orange sweater for myself. It has me very excited. I’m sure I’ll find another good project for my shop as well.

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