Friday, July 1, 2016

Looking Good: Do I Want to?


This week I filled out more paperwork for my long term-disability application and applied for Social Security disability. Now it’s all waiting, and while waiting, wondering if the powers that be will believe I am disabled. 

When I’m dressed up, well rested, and well drugged, I can forget my own limitations for a while. That’s how I taught sick for so many years. That’s why when I went to the district office to turn in my application, I walked energetically down to the insurance office and wondered (for a very little while) why I couldn’t just keep pretending to be okay.

With an invisible disability—and most of them are—it’s a hard call. If I face reality, I know I can’t work. It’s been a couple weeks since I could both load the dishwasher and run batches of laundry on the same day. My doctor believes I am sick. But I don’t look any different than when I was well.

In fact, I look a little bit better. Impulse control dies when I’m in pain, so over the last couple of years, I’ve put together a fantastic wardrobe. Then, in hopes of getting healthier, I lost sixty pounds, so I’ve got that going for me now. I can walk fluidly. I can sit on the floor and get back up again. If I had a handicapped parking pass, people would question it.

I have seen other people look suddenly, desperately ill. Often that was due less to the illness itself than to changes in grooming routines. Women who once looked perfect seemed to fall apart when they could no longer put in all the work it takes to be beautiful. If I had been well-coifed and stylishly made-up before getting sick, I would look bad now. 

My hands shake too much to insert contacts or apply eye make-up. I can’t hold my arms up long enough to manage a curling iron or blow dryer. I will soon be on a limited income and will not be able to afford to have my hair professionally colored .

Luckily, I have never had my hair professionally colored. I was low maintenance (lazy) long before I got sick. I gave up make-up and contacts in my twenties. I only used a curling iron in middle school and for a few years in college. Showering and washing my hair now counts as putting a huge effort into my appearance But I don’t have to worry about suddenly looking older, greyer, or paler.


Nope, no spinning. No yarn preparation of any kind. I’m still in recovery mode and doing very little. I hope to be back on track after the long weekend.


Yarn makers have created great short-cuts for lazy knitting weeks. Some of the best compliments I get of my knitting are for projects where the yarn does all the work. One example is called self-striping yarn. All I have to do is knit and the colors on my projects look like I did a lot of work and planning. The adult size socks (and last week’s socks) are going to be a gift, but the baby hats and boots are available at my shop. 

1 comment:

  1. Debra, if your application for disability is turned down, don't give up. I've been told they almost automatically reject everyone, unless the cause is catastrophic, as mine was. A disability lawyer costs some money, but is worth it.